With a tip of the helmet to Nick Bakay, a super-talented, multi-media humorist who made the following “Tale Of The Tape” format into a mini-career all its own…here’s how this year’s Super Bowl scientifically stacks up:
Things residents consume regularly:
Denver: Rocky Mountain Oysters
Seattle: Venti Frappuccinos
Advantage: Seattle. Rocky Mountain Oysters are bull testicles for God’s sake. Rather be wired than “ballsy.”
Most breathtaking thing seen:
Denver: Rocky Mountains
Seattle: Space Needle
Advantage: Denver. Needle made by man. Mountains made by God.
Most unusual thing seen:
Denver: Temperature dropping forty degrees in an hour
Seattle: Salmon flying forty feet through a fish market
Advantage: Denver. Put a coat on and you’re all set. Takes a tad longer to prepare the salmon and set the table.
Denver: Mile High City
Seattle: Emerald City
Advantage: Push. Pretty much the same if living at elevation or in the Land of Oz. Both states legalized pot recently and are definitely looking “higher” in profile.
Mental/Physical health status of head coaches:
Denver: John Fox’s heart had blockages removed
Seattle: Pete Carroll’s career had victories removed
Advantage: Seattle. Pete’s still a ball of energy even after being stripped of USC’s BCS a while ago. John’s signature acronym could have been DOA just a couple of months ago.
Team mascot ferocity:
Denver: A Horse
Seattle: A Hawk
Advantage: Seattle. Being slowly pecked to death is much more unappealing than being trampled to death.
Denver: Peyton Manning
Seattle: Richard Sherman
Advantage: Denver. Sherman has the better hair; Manning has the better arm.
Denver: Average 300 days
Seattle: Average 84 days
Advantage: Denver. Always walk towards the light people.
So there you have it. It’s simple when you break things down scientifically. Denver will win the Super Bowl. The numbers never lie.