Not A Dry Ice In The House – A Brief History Of Poor Decision-Making

My wife’s birthday is later this week and after all these years the question gets more challenging as each one approaches…what to get Kathy this time around.

Inspiration came in the form of something that happened over the weekend. The specifics aren’t nearly as relevant as the result. I figured out what she would appreciate most.

A sincere apology. Not just for one thing.

For many things.

Sunday night I asked my wife to come up with all the really dumb, idiotic, stupid things I’ve done since we met.

That went on for a while.

The list has since been pared down (she requested that qualifier) to a reasonable number (at my request) and it is now time to issue her this very public, very heartfelt all-inclusive apology for the ten most questionable decisions I’ve made since we married…in no particular order.

The Tire

We came out one morning to find a car tire a little low on air. I eventually located the head of a small nail on the edge of the tread. I swore up and down to my wife I could easily remove the nail and the tire would be just fine until I could drive the vehicle to the shop for repair. I decided to do just that.

A half-hour later the spare was on and the now-completely-flat tire was resting in the trunk as I headed off for the repair shop.

The Ladder

I had the day off from work but my wife did not. I wanted desperately to take a look at our gutter drains in one location to see if I could clean out some leaves before the next scheduled round of steady rain rolled in. I knew there was some type of blockage up there. My wife insisted we should put it off until the end of the day so she could steady the ladder. I indicated it should be my decision to make and off she went to work.

Later that morning I went off the ladder from about a height of seventeen feet. Somehow I was not injured. No, I didn’t tell her it happened that night…hell, I didn’t tell her for two years.

The Deck

We had lawn underneath our deck that required mowing with a push mower. I needed to lower my head about a foot to avoid smacking it against the deck’s base. I insisted to my wife I’d always remember to avoid hitting my head on it…and also announced I had decided I didn’t have to do it separately because I was determined to maintain my nicely mowed rows.

At no point did I ever think I was going to black out but it did leave a mark for a while…both times…OK, the two times she knows about.

The Cars

We had a horrible ice and snow storm early one January. Our two automobiles were encased like fossils in the Ice Age. The morning the weather broke I told my wife to stay warm while I got them cleared off. To expedite things I used a snow brush from one of the cars to crack the ice off. I decided to use the scraper end, not the brush end.

Several friends felt we could go to adjusters once we had our next hail storm and they’d have to insure us for all the dents on the hoods and trunks. Years later the trade-in values reflected the morning in question.

The Codeine

I got so sick one day…by nightfall my temperature was a robust 102. Fortunately, the doctor had evening hours and I was prescribed codeine syrup. I told my wife I was well aware of its effects and if I had to get up in the middle of the night to not worry. I could certainly decide on my own if I was OK to go to the bathroom.

She found me on the bathroom floor. She said she heard a noise – “did you fall?” I have tried to convince her since that night I simply got tired and laid down. She remains to this day completely unconvinced.

The Movie

My wife wanted absolutely no parts of a Johnny Depp movie called “Mortdecai.” She begged me to wait for it – if we had to see it at all – to come on cable and didn’t want to spend time and money on it at the theatre. I insisted we could both benefit from seeing a funny film. My decision was final.

We now have a name for the look my wife gives me when she’s thoroughly disgusted with me. It is known simply as the “Mortdecai Look.”

The Sticker

The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania required owners of vehicles to renew their registrations annually. This involved – after payment – sending a sticker to owners to affix to the license plate in question. One day I was home first and got the mail. The sticker was here and I decided I could handle the simple task of making our car legal for the twelve months ahead.

We found out just how serious the Commonwealth was making sure their stickers stayed put as we tried in vain to remove the newly-arrived sticker…newly-affixed to the wrong car. Pennsylvania has since eliminated the sticker aspect of registration renewal – there is no truth to the rumor my action was in any way responsible for its discontinuation.

The Face

We had a Zero Turning Radius mower to cut the majority of our lawn with. When we bought it the advice was to not operate it in wet conditions on uneven terrain. After a light rain one afternoon I insisted to my wife it would be OK to mow. Not agreeing with the decision, she grudgingly came outside to do some gardening.

When she got to the massive rose bush I had skidded into at the edge of our driveway I tried my very best to assure her I was OK even though my face felt like half the skin was gone. She gave me the once-over and calmly stated, “You’ll be fine.” Two years later she admitted she thought the cuts would never heal.

The Rose Bush

No, not THAT rose bush. We had a couple small rose bushes that resided happily side by side for years thanks to my wife’s loving care. She was working at the time. I was not. Fall was nearing conclusion and they desperately needed their annual trim, a technique called deadheading. She took great pains to train me on exactly what needed to be done but didn’t feel very confident in letting me fly solo. I defended myself vigorously and assured her the rose bushes were in good hands. I could make the decisions about just how much to cut from each.

After reviewing my work, she didn’t talk to me for a couple of days. Surprisingly, the rose bushes were not dead. I might as well have been.

The Dry Ice

My wife’s parents sent us a gift from Omaha Steaks one Christmas. We had never gotten anything from the company before but were impressed how frozen the food was considering how far it travelled. After we got everything out of the big Styrofoam cooler all that remained was a large packet of dry ice. I noticed the label said “Do Not Touch.” I apparently forgot that moments later when my wife said she wanted to keep the cooler and I decided to reach in and take out the packet.

Medical and science professionals alike compare injuries like this as very similar to a burn and often require medical attention. Fortunately, I was able to peel both hands off the dry ice. My wife told me to get it out of the house so I wouldn’t injure myself further…once I was able to wear gloves again of course.

Should anyone be able to identify with these or similar incidents please outline your experiences in the comments section. It’s always nice to know you’re not the only one who has made a poor decision or two…or ten…in life.

To my wife Kathy: “Happy Birthday and I’m sorry…again.”

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About sportsattitudes

I'm Bruce. Born, raised and still outside Philadelphia PA. Managed (so far) to visit a dozen US states (most just one time each) and Canada (twice). 50-plus years - married 30-plus years. Love massive quantities of sports, television and movies (viewed in a movie theater).
This entry was posted in Family, Home, Humor, Life, Personal and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

65 Responses to Not A Dry Ice In The House – A Brief History Of Poor Decision-Making

  1. Meg Sorick says:

    Oh my word, the ice storm story… I bet it was even the same storm. To clear the thick ice from the windshield of his car, my husband got in the front seat and ‘lightly’ punched the inside of the windshield …. and shattered it into a million pieces. As for me? Well, my whole life has been a series of bad decisions! Good thing none of them has been fatal. So far… 😀

    Liked by 3 people

    • Meg, I beat the hell out of those cars. They were far from brand new but they also didn’t have a scratch on them until that incident. Come to think of it they didn’t have any scratches on them after the incident…just dents. Like a hail storm. The windshield story…I wouldn’t be too pleased if my windshield was in my hands…in pieces at that!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. susurrus says:

    Please send my happy birthday wishes (and sympathy) to Kathy. Luckily, as my sweetheart says, you can prune many old shrub roses with a pickup truck, a firecracker or a cherry bomb.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Laura says:

    Wow, I have to stop laughing before I can start writing! You must somehow be related to my husband. Many years ago, he put the wrong tab on the license plate and we couldn’t remove it. Since we were young (and fearless) we just drove that way for one year. We have a front and back license plate here in MN so one of them was correct. We made it through the year without being caught. Now I stand and watch when he puts on the new tabs. Hope your wife has the best birthday ever 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    • Laura, I have passed along the birthday wish. As far as those license plate issues after I put the sticker on the wrong car…since then when we get anything in the mail from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania I’m to set it aside for her to open. They just stopped the stickers this year but she still wants to get all their mail first just to be sure. 🙂

      Like

  4. At least it sounds like in most cases you managed to do more damage to yourself than to her 🙂 ….My husband isn’t allowed to weed the garden until he can identify the plants that are supposed to be growing there! On the other hand, on my first birthday after we married he bought me a circular saw! Best present ever since it showed he knew what I needed and had the confidence that I could use it! Two years later I was at work while he and a friend was building and set the saw on the cord while the blade was still turning!!! Yes they did fix it 🙂 Happy birthday to your wife!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bev, the happy birthday wish has been forwarded. Your story about the saw and the cord made me think of vacuum cleaners. We both vacuum but I have a real knack for not only running over the cords but chewing the protective coating off them at the same time. Cordless vacuums are in my future. 🙂

      Like

  5. I have a lot of these…one that just came to mind. I have a backup camera on my car, which not only shows you the back of the car, but beeps ever more insistently at you the closer you get to something behind the car. One day, despite the beeping that something was back there, I just backed up without a care in the world, smack dab into a dumpster. My car still has the large dent in it where I hit it (because what was I supposed to tell the insurance company?).

    Liked by 3 people

    • I suspect for me the beeping would become like “white noise” where when I heard it all the time I would start to tune it out because how could I possibly back into…uh-oh. Maybe it is better I don’t have the beeping thingy. Or snow brushes. (They were taken away from me…)

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Samantha says:

    Hahaha, brilliant post! You cracked me up! I hope your wife had/has an amazing birthday, and might I add what an original gift this is to her 🙂
    My neighbour once found a bird’s droppings on the hood of his car. Instead of asking his wife, he went at it with a scrubbing sponge and killed his car paint. Now there’s a misshapen white splodge on top of his car.
    My father is a master is doing funny stuff, but he’s done so much I don’t even know where to begin! So my neighbour will have to do 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • I have passed on those birthday wishes Samantha. I have also gained a healthy respect for cleaning up bird droppings…they are truly toxic. Still, a scrubbing sponge DOES seem to be overkill…says the man who tried to chip ice off a car with the butt end of a snow brush. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Skipah says:

    Happy Birthday to Mrs. Kathy, isn’t being a man and always right the most liberating thing in the world win, lose, or draw LOL. One night back when I was younger and more agile IU was playing a basketball game when an ice storm hit and rendered my satellite useless. Not one to give up so easy, 20 minutes later I was on the roof clinging to chimney and my satellite was still froze over. Years later she wanted a divorce I’m not sure it was that moment or the moment her co-worker started making googly eyes at her.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Super Bowl XXI (Jan. 1987). Broncos and Giants. Winter playing havoc with the cable picture. Got rabbit ears antenna out and tried to watch the game while holding the antenna near a window. Never occurred to me to actually go onto the roof. Nice. Kathy wanted to see the game as much as I so she didn’t want a divorce – for that anyway. I have passed on the birthday wishes Gary!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Paul says:

    This was wonderful. You fell off a ladder and didn’t tell your wife until two years later hahaha

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Never remove the nail – either on toe or tire!
    Providing comic relief and surprises is always a difficult job – but you do it so well! You must really love you wife to giver her so many memories to smile over…well, things are supposed be hilarious after a few years….
    Happy birthday and cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karen, I have passed along the birthday wishes. Never remove the nail – certainly was hammered home in that instance. I am sure Kathy would be the first to volunteer my ability to provide a constant stream of comic relief. Surprises as well – unfortunately not as many good ones for her as bad ones!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Quirky Girl says:

    These are hilarious! The codeine one is especially great. I mean, it’s entirely normal to wander into the bathroom just to catch a little rest. 😛

    Happy Birthday to your wife!

    Liked by 1 person

    • QG, I have forwarded the birthday wishes. In my mind I really did just lay down on the floor. I didn’t hit anything on the way down or have any bruises thereafter. If the CSI’s swept the room all they would have had was the chalk line of my body…at rest. 🙂

      Like

  11. It’s funny how when we convince our loved ones that we’re perfectly capable of doing something safely, we end up proving just the opposite. And then they get to say, “See, I told you so.”

    For many marriages, I think the phrase “See, I told you so” may be uttered almost as often as “I love you.”

    Happy Birthday to your wife, and take care. Awesome post!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Bun Karyudo says:

    I hope your wife has a great birthday. You must feel very proud that your example was likely instrumental in persuading Pennsylvania to change important aspects of their registration process. Great work!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bun, I forwarded the birthday wishes. As for that sticker deal with PA those suckers were made to become one with whatever they came in contact with. I’m sure their adhesion to everything, along with people like me who couldn’t adhere to the rules, both led to the stickers demise. Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. SportsChump says:

    Hey, man.

    As long as she’s not apologizing for “The Milkman,” it sounds like you guys have had it pretty good.

    And thanks for the heads up. I’ll bump “Mortdecai” farther down in my Netflix queue.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Daal says:

    am much enjoying your site 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. George says:

    You got off easy, Bruce, or did you just cut the list for the sake of this post..:)
    That was a very attempt at a gift for your wife’s birthday but that was one loaded question. I mean what were you thinking? 😊
    Woman have memories that go back decades. They forget nothing. Men are dufferent. My guess he if she asked you the same question, you would be hard pressed to remember the details. But even if you could, in sure you would be smart enough not to elaborate 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • George, the list was indeed pruned down…much like the rose bushes. She had a bunch of ’em. These did stand out from the others. I totally agree about the memory thing. I don’t know where she keeps them all but she can access details about everything I’ve done wrong. Everything. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  16. lupa08 says:

    Very witty post, conversational and welcoming. I also liked how you structured the elements.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Belinda O says:

    Is it wrong of me to laugh at that which has frustrated your wife so often? “I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you.” I imagine every wife has her like list, but not every husband would understand the need for the apology. Happy birthday to Kathy!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Belinda, I have passed on the birthday wishes. Yes, I certainly did my fair share of apologizing when these all happened but I figured it might be good now to round up the “greatest hits” and make sure she understands I know how frustrating these incidents were…at least I hope it’s past tense!

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Steph McCoy says:

    First Happy Birthday wishes to your wife.🎉 Second, you’ve got to be one of the bravest men on the planet. I distinctly remember a rumor from the “men’s handbook on women” where it states never to ask your wife, and I quote, “to come up with all the really dumb, idiotic, stupid things” you’ve done since you met. Third, I noticed a pattern where your ‘insisting’ tends to end up in disaster. 🤔

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Lisa A. says:

    Happy birthday to Kathy! 🎂🌹Your post made me laugh a lot! I think I’d be upset and the roses for a few days too.🌹 Thanks again for the laughs!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Roxie says:

    Happy Birthday to Kathy, she received a beautifully penned public apology! That should work for all the holidays this year: Valentine’s Day, anniversary, etc.! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Ha ha! Best post I’ve read in a while, Bruce. And no — you are not alone. I do things of “questionable wisdom” all the time. (My favorite stories were the ladder and the codeine.) 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  22. One of the funniest things I’ve read in a while! My face still hurts.
    I’m not the clumsy one, but Himself has to wear a steel glove to use a knife.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. leggypeggy says:

    This is hilarious. Probably not so much for you as the offences accumulated, but thoroughly entertaining to read as a collection. Had to wince quite a few times too because we have a lengthy list of misdemeanours at our house.

    All members of our family have been guilty at one time or another, but nothing too terrible. All the fish are dead but the dog is alive. The dent in the car is small and the house didn’t suffer at all. The sandwich maker’s cord is now super short, but the machine still works. The beet stain came out of the carpet, but the wine didn’t. You get the idea.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Too too funny! Happy (belated) birthday to your wife…a brave and understanding woman indeed. At least she has ‘the Mortdecai look’ to help her cope. 😏😜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pam, thanks for stopping by and I’ve passed along the birthday wishes. (She usually milks the birthday right up until Valentine’s Day so not belated at all) Funny you mentioned the Mortdecai look…I saw it again Friday night. An infraction that didn’t rise to the levels of those noted above thank heavens. 🙂

      Like

  25. scifihammy says:

    That’s a nice birthday present to give your wife! 🙂
    Part of staying married so long is to accept each others foibles. None of us is perfect after all. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Jennie says:

    I love this post!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Jennie says:

    Thanks to you I have made at least twelve trips to the bathroom from laughing so hard.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. onyajay says:

    I’m not sure if I have more sympathy for you, the injured, or your long suffering wife!

    Liked by 1 person

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